Thankful during the storm.

We thank God when good things happen. We praise the Lord for blessings. It’s easy to hear good news and be thankful.

My husband noted how thankful a neighbor is, regardless of her trials. She has experienced more major and life-altering events and diagnoses, and yet, she keeps her head up, believing that the best life is always at the conclusion of this journey.

I, however, have been less than thankful through the challenging times. I have been bitter. Angry.

For the most part, only those closest to me have seen it.

I finally realize it is not enough to put on a brave face. I need to actually live it in my actions and circulate it through my body with every beat of my heart.

Thankful.

Thankful for whatever I might encounter today, tomorrow, or years down the road. Thankful for this minute, this word, this breath.

Thankful for God’s strength and courage when we are struggling. Thankful for His grace when we fall. Thankful for His humility when we ask forgiveness.

Day 1 of this 365 is over and it’s time for me to move on from anything that isn’t bringing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control (the fruits of the spirit – Galations 5:22-23). Hopefully, I can be a better servant to God’s people (everyone) in 2018. It’s never too late to do better.

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Moving on up…

I have had my last experience with my current fertility clinic. They have denied me my test results for which I paid over $400 out of pocket. They won’t give them to me until I make an appointment so the doctor can interpret them. This final straw, along with a handful of other poor communication situations and errors has made my decision quite easy.
I found out that I did test positive for two copies of the same MTHFR mutation and that my AMH is down to .93 from 1.0 in October and 1.1 in November of last year. My FSH is 6.4 and Estradiol is 85.8 (high – most likely from the DHEA). They didn’t give me numbers for my TSH, T3, T4 nor would they tell me which MTHFR gene has the mutation.
I’m looking forward to a fresh experience at a new clinic.

Infertility cause: Low AMH. Low AMH cause: ???? Stress. Stress cause: Me?

When we met with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, she had a long list of infertility causes and we went through them all. She also had a list of things to blame for Low AMH. None.

I have read about stress and its affect on infertility. Supposedly, it should only affect ovulation… but why wouldn’t it affect everything else? When your body is stressed, does everything keep working just like normal? Do you not get headaches and eye twitches and sleepless nights? Or end up with ulcers, digestive problems, acid reflux?

I have to imagine our baby-making organs (at least for women) react in a similar manner. How are things to work correctly if all the energy in your being is focused on getting through each day?

That frightens me. How many years have I been destroying myself by deadlines, performance anxiety, penny-pinching, and worrying about every little detail?

If only I had known…

From now on, I am going to do what I can to let go of those things or let go of that part of me that stresses about those things. I will focus on my own health – through acupuncture, best quality foods, massage, and taking time to breathe. I will love others as completely as I can and I will love myself.