Finding balance.

Sometimes, I clean. Almost always, I cook. Rarely, I bake. Often, I am in the moment, enjoying and soaking it in. Sometimes, I fall apart. Many times, I take a deep breath and try again, or walk away. More often now, I’m reading scripture. Always, I love, even if I don’t like the behavior, I love the other human beings trying to do their best like me, even if it’s sometimes, almost always, rarely, or often.

Trying to find a balance between my professional goals and my personal life; fun and the desire for home-made meals, cleanliness, tidy rooms, and a well-behaved and happy toddler; wife and mother and daughter and neighbor and friend.

It’s a first for me since quite a while back. I’m finally able to look for a “normal” balance outside of the IVF realm.

In the midst of IVF, there is no balance. While life is going on outside of treatment (family, professionally, globally), that treatment is all-consuming. Medications. Appointments. Complimentary treatments requiring more appointments to aid the medications or relieve symptoms. More medication: needles and pills and suppositories and supplements and patches and more needles… and more pills.

And the hot/cold highs/lows and crashes.

And the tears. The guilt. The loss.

But the toddler, he is proof that all that stuff can work. He is ridiculously intelligent and challenging and I don’t even care if I only think that because I’m his mom – because I’m his MOM. Something I once thought was quite possibly impossible. I’m so thankful.


28 weeks 4 days and very thankful

Our appointment today was full of good news. No comment was made about my weight (up to 148 from 125 pre-pregnancy) other than “everything looks good.” Baby boy’s heartbeat was in the 150s, belly measured 29 cm, and I didn’t have any ill effects from the glucose drink to test for gestational diabetes. In fact, if the bottle had been any bigger, I would’ve had more! In my opinion, it was like a sports drink/gatorade/powerade. Results from the test will be in on Wednesday and they will only call if something isn’t okay. 

I can’t help thinking how thankful I am to be here. I can’t help but pray for everyone who has been and is praying for us. I couldn’t help but realize that my due date is two years almost to the day that Baby Drew went to heaven. Now, here we are and I don’t think we could be happier. We now know love that we didn’t before – love for each other and from those supporting us. Very loved. Thank you.

Please don’t…

When someone is struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage, please don’t say things like

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“It’s for the best.”

Anything with “at least” at the beginning.

“God has a plan.” “It’s in God’s time.” (or anything that implies that God caused this)

“Just be patient.” “Just relax.” “Just adopt.” “Just stop trying. That’s when it happens.”

None of this helps the pain or grief. The only thing that was a comfort to me was the acknowledgement of the pain and suffering, that this situation really sucks, it is awful and that no one should ever have to lose their baby (no matter what their age may be). Someone actually said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” and they listened instead. They listened to me talk about my world, my hopes and dreams for my child as they came crashing down, and I will forever be grateful.

To everyone who is in this place of infertility and/or miscarriage, I am so sorry you have to endure this. This is a miserable, awful, no good life experience. No one should have to go through such a loss. I am so sorry for your pain. I don’t expect that you will EVER “get over” this nor should you. I think of you and your babies before I lay my head down every night. I only wish you and yours all the happiness this world can afford every day forward.

Tomorrow is DD Day

Tomorrow would have been my due date. We will remember baby Drew every year on this day. I am sad to think of where we would have been right now had everything gone the way we expected with our first pregnancy. I am disappointed and frustrated that we don’t get to celebrate a birth day tomorrow.
I haven’t been able to believe this with all my heart until now, but I know that we will be blessed with a baby when the time is right and that it will happen according to God’s plan. We are certainly on the right path to add a child to our family and we are ready to move forward. I have faith that if we can make it through this hurdle, our marriage can survive anything, and we will better parents for the struggles we endure.
Though it seemed impossible at one time, I love my husband more now than ever before. I have a much greater appreciation of his true character and for the depth of his love for me. God truly blessed me when He brought my husband into my life.

Ready to name more babies!

Last week, I realized we had to name our baby. Yes, we called our baby “One Percent” because we were told that was our only chance to have a baby… but we really needed a name, at least I needed a name, to put on our ultrasound picture.

I was proud of how well we discussed our baby names. I actually thought it was fun and I look forward to naming more babies in the future! Through a little debate and narrowing it down to two gender neutral names, we finally chose “Drew.” I have a greater peace now and I can put our picture in the album as it is an important event in our lives together. I have no fear of someone asking about baby Drew. I have accepted that this is our situation and these life events have happened. I think I am finally finding reality again after the backspin I was thrown into last year with my low AMH diagnosis.

Life can and will go on. We will survive this. There are good great joys in store for us.

…Or is THIS Square One?

Maybe I was wrong when I posted before. Just this past week, April 24, in the middle of the night, I began to have such severe cramps and bleeding that I woke up at 1:45 a.m. The pain rivaled the pain of my miscarriage. I was wide awake in pain for 2 hours until the extra strength quick-release acetaminophen kicked in. I continued to take the maximum dosage, staggered throughout the whole next day.

This makes me wonder if what I thought was my first period post miscarriage (27 day cycle) was actually just the conclusion of my miscarriage. I had just lost a bit more tissue the day before that first period started. I would guess the severe cramps this time around indicate my first actual period. That would make this period 61 days from the day I miscarried at 11 weeks.

I haven’t gone back to my RE because I frankly don’t think I could handle any more negative information of another reminder of “you don’t have many eggs left” and “the ones you have aren’t of good quality” and “you’ll likely go into menopause in your mid 30’s.” If I don’t ever have to go back, I won’t. We proved the statistics wrong once, so we will do it again. My AMH went from 1.0 to 1.1 in just two months with diet, acupuncture, massage, reduction in stress, and lots of prayers.

Keeping you all in my thoughts.