The pill.

So, while this isn’t big news, we are back on the pill over here. Good news is that I made it through 7 month without ANY medication. No hormones. No pills, patches, injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, nothing. Unfortunately that changed last week because the duration and strength of my periods were less and less, which is not the way we want things to go if we want to avoid surgery and have any chance at building a lining to transfer our final embryo. Good news, again, is that I DID have a cycle of normal length on a regular basis.

So, good news and less desirable news, but I’d say I already beat the odds of being in pre-menopause by my mid 30’s (because I’m there, dude). If it weren’t for physician error, I would have a functioning lining in my uterus and have a very good chance of a successful pregnancy. No lawsuit or anger will ever change my circumstances in that concern.

At the moment, the medication plan is to follow the pill for one month, then estradiol by mouth in AM and suppository by PM for 21 days, followed by progesterone pills for 7 days, then, repeat the estradiol/progesterone protocol for 2 more months. So, four months of medication and another evaluation to decide any further course of treatment.

I feel surrounded by babies. My heart still aches to have another. I pray that we will, but I’m also enjoying spoiling Toddler J with all my love and snuggles. He amazes us every day… and challenges us, too.

Our family is experiencing other hardships on his side and mine. We are praying for his father and my brother. Praying for healing that surpasses all expectations.

We ask for your prayers right now, for our family and for our own future. We pray for faith in His will and guidance. We also pray for the knowledge, foresight and wisdom of the medical professionals who provide care for us and our family. I find myself taking my health, strength, sight, etc. for granted every day.

Lord, we are ever so grateful. Help us use these gifts to bring the glory to You. Amen.

Be still.

Exodus 14:14 “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”


So, I’m doing my best… Bedrest day 1. My clinic required two days back when we transferred baby J, but now they say just one. Since the transfer in March with one day of bedrest did not work, I’m going back to two days (nobody told me to, I just decided it was best to go with what worked before).

Baby J is at daycare and hubby is at work.

By the way, look at the size of that embryo! The others we transferred were never coming out of their shell like this one. The dense part near the bottom center is the baby and the rest will turn into placenta. The transfer was smooth. No need to give time for the bladder to fill and no need to empty any off the top. In the past, I’ve needed just a little more time or was overfull. Guess that repetition has helped me.

Trying to find funny stuff to watch over the next two weeks. If you have any recommendations, please let me know! I’ll watch “Sisters” for sure. Anything else?

Jimmy Fallon is my “go-to” right now. Here’s one for you all:

http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/video/first-textual-experience-with-sting/3107263

Jimmy is hilarious, but Sting… well, he’s Sting… sooo good. And yes, all I’m doing in bed right now is eating.

The “Longing” for a baby is so real.

Hearing a newborn cry. Watching a sleeping baby. Seeing a commercial for diapers. Remembering how it felt to nurse my baby. These are all my triggers. They make me long for a baby. This kind of yearning, aching – it’s uncontrollable. I want to cradle a baby in my arms and cry at the beauty of creation. I want to feel the snuggle that only a newborn can give.

I know, I’m being ungrateful because I have an amazing toddler who is crazily running around exploring everything he can get his hands on. I’m so, SO lucky to have him in my life and have experienced everything that brought him into being. Things have been rotten (with me – specifically my uterus) ever since, but I just need to put it all in perspective. If this is it. If my uterus is all done, I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s journey while I’m here dreaming of what I don’t have. I need to appreciate all I DO have.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like for couples who endure this torture for a decade or more. Our journey started only four years ago. We have a lovely little boy. Many people don’t have such an outcome. Here I am wanting a second when so many never get their first.

To anyone in the trenches, struggling with this beast of infertility, I want you to know that I am listening. I am listening and I support you. You are stronger than this. You are more than this.