Finding balance.

Sometimes, I clean. Almost always, I cook. Rarely, I bake. Often, I am in the moment, enjoying and soaking it in. Sometimes, I fall apart. Many times, I take a deep breath and try again, or walk away. More often now, I’m reading scripture. Always, I love, even if I don’t like the behavior, I love the other human beings trying to do their best like me, even if it’s sometimes, almost always, rarely, or often.

Trying to find a balance between my professional goals and my personal life; fun and the desire for home-made meals, cleanliness, tidy rooms, and a well-behaved and happy toddler; wife and mother and daughter and neighbor and friend.

It’s a first for me since quite a while back. I’m finally able to look for a “normal” balance outside of the IVF realm.

In the midst of IVF, there is no balance. While life is going on outside of treatment (family, professionally, globally), that treatment is all-consuming. Medications. Appointments. Complimentary treatments requiring more appointments to aid the medications or relieve symptoms. More medication: needles and pills and suppositories and supplements and patches and more needles… and more pills.

And the hot/cold highs/lows and crashes.

And the tears. The guilt. The loss.

But the toddler, he is proof that all that stuff can work. He is ridiculously intelligent and challenging and I don’t even care if I only think that because I’m his mom – because I’m his MOM. Something I once thought was quite possibly impossible. I’m so thankful.

 

My husband

I am so lucky he called me back after I left him such a silly message nearly 12 years ago. I’m so glad he waited for me at the altar nearly 8 years ago. I have to believe that when I met him, someone else had it all planned. Someone else knew what was best for me (and him, too) and made things work out so we would be stronger than ever. Strong enough to get through our diagnosis, our losses, failed cycles, and lots and LOTS of hormones (IUI, IVF, pregnancy, nursing, hormone therapy, etc.).

He is my comic relief to pull me out of the mud, my compass to keep my heart set on what really matters, and he always reminds me that I can’t control everything (so it’s not always my fault and to be kinder to myself).

I don’t often mention him, his strength, his humor/personality, brilliance, talent, or his handsomeness… He is my other half and has not only survived my storms but helped me survive them, too.

He will probably never read this but I want everyone to know about him and his love and faith in us.

To him: You are my sweetheart. Thank you. I love you.

Trigger shot!

okay, we aren’t out of this FET yet! Though my lining is only at 6mm when they’d really like 8, we get to check for fluid again on Monday, and if the fluid is gone we get to transfer on Tuesday!

So, tomorrow is trigger shot day. No more cialis or pentoxifylline or vitamin E extras. Yay!

Had an AMAZING trip with some girlfriends and am geared up for whatever lies ahead. Praise God for his timing!

Where am I now? Exactly, what ARE we doing?

I am 33. Hubby is 35. Baby J, our miracle IVF baby, is a wild, independent and brilliant 2.5 year old. And, yes, I will call him Baby for a long time…maybe forever. :)

My infertility is a bit of a mystery. Originally, it was thought to be diminished or poor ovarian reserve, POR/DOR, when my AMH came back low. The antral follicle count was decent, not as low as expected, so that was strange. Subsequent AMH tests showed higher numbers (which science says is impossible). I responded well to IVF meds and had a decent number of eggs retrieved. All but one fertilized but they quickly dwindled as only four made it to Day 5 or 6 blasts to be frozen. Genetic testing showed them all to be “normal” with no chromosomal abnormalities.

We never discovered why we miscarried in 2012 after becoming pregnant shortly after our HSG procedure. Baby Drew would be four this past month.

I have MTHFR C677T homozygous, meaning that I do not utilize B vitamins (one of which is folate), so I treat it daily with a better form of B vitamins and low dose aspirin.

We were dealt a second blow of Asherman’s Syndrome (intense uterine scars) after complications from Baby J’s delivery. I’ve had 5 surgeries in 2.5 years along with a failed FET in March of this year and over a year of hormone therapy.

We were scheduled for another FET in September, but postponed it until October to accommodate a fun trip I have planned with a great friend.

I started meds for the upcoming FET this past Sunday and add a whole bunch more on Day 1 of the cycle, Sept. 16th, if all goes as planned.

My protocol for this FET involves Nuvaring for birth control (to avoid the Evil Clone from BC pills), Lupron, Doxycycline (for me and hubby for 5 days), Cialis (for blood flow in scar tissue), Estrace pills vaginally, Delestrogen IM injections, Intralipids (I’ll learn more about this if we get that far), bi-weekly acupuncture, moxabustion on foot points to build lining, guided meditation, and yoga whenever I can get it in. We will prep the uterine lining for 21 days, with FET on day 26. I am free of gluten, dairy, sugar, caffeine in all forms (chocolate, coffee, herbal teas, etc.) and doing my best to eat foods which are easier for my body to digest and more supportive to my body.

I work as a teacher three days a week.

We recently moved and are adjusting to a smaller, older home, bigger yard (YAY), and dramatically shorter commutes (double YAY).

Lesson learned: Change is hard, even when it is welcome.

I am doing my best to be a loving mommy, wife and human being. I fail often, but I keep trying.

We believe in prayer and believe that this life is not the end. We pray that God is with you all.

 

Cancel that.

But not my girls’ weekend!

I’m torn right now, feeling that I should do this or shouldn’t do that.

Between my hubby and I, we’ve decided to postpone the FET until after the girls’ weekend trip. It’s not recommended to travel, especially when we are up against such odds as it is, so we are going to wait, again.

We are hoping and praying that an early to mid October transfer is the ticket.

As for now, we are off all meds, and crashing as usual.

Doing our best to keep swimming.

And I just booked my flight…

I just purchased flight tickets for a what I’m sure will be a wonderful trip with a great friend. I’m so excited.

I’m also concerned.

If all goes the way we plan, I will be traveling with needles and prescription medications (in pill and fluid form). So, I’m taking a deep breath and planning for more time to get through security. I also purchased the “early bird check-in” option to provide a better chance that there will be room for my carry-on. I won’t be checking a bag, just carrying with me.

The next two months are full of many things and if things with IVF don’t go as we planned, I’ll still have this trip.

I’m so excited!

30 day cycle, second round

This cycle is not quite as heavy as the last – guessing those herbs from my acupuncturist did some amazing work last cycle to get everything really built up. Not much new on the fertility front for us, just plugging away at pills, injections, and waiting.

Waiting is the hardest part.

I want to rush this.

But I know how important it is to take this time to heal. To allow my body to prepare appropriately.

Praying for patience.

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