Good night, sweet prince.

Our first beta on Friday was 7 and that number fell even further to 3 today. I knew it was coming, because a 7 at 11 days past a 5 day transfer is not a good number.

Estrogen is sky high 2000+ and progesterone is over 100. The crash will be fierce.

I did absolutely everything I could do. Prayer. Prayer warriors. Acupuncture twice a week for 6 weeks prior. Blood-building diet. Bone broth. High protein diet. 2-day bedrest. Acupuncture on site before and after transfer. Didn’t lift anything over 10 lbs. Barely used any stairs. Watched funny movies. Ate pineapple core for 5 days after transfer. Took Lupron, Cialis, Pentoxifylline, intralipids IV drip, low dose aspirin, extra vitamin E, food-based prenatal, extra methylated B vitamins, extra vitamin D, estrogen suppositories and injections, progesterone injections, HCG injections, no exercise, no caffeine, no chocolate, no coffee, no dairy, no sugar, no alcohol, no gluten, organic as much as possible, and still… no success.

I cannot take this burden on myself. I did everything there was to do. Now I pray for peace that only God can provide – that which passes all understanding.

But tonight, I say good night to our baby boy, our prince. We will meet you again one day.

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If you knew what was in store for you…

you would laugh instead of cry.

This was the message loud and clear this morning. As I was working on a project, I  emptied my thoughts to God. I asked him questions that have been troubling me lately and He responded.

But he didn’t respond with a verse from the Bible, instead, I strongly felt a reference to a show my hubby and I have been watching on and off for a while now. In this show, one brother comes to power while the other brother is on the sidelines, watching. The second brother endures some really rough circumstances and goes to a “see-er” who tells him the message I received today. The words were a little different. I believe he was told that he would “dance naked on the beach.” Well, here’s to dancing!

Yes, I’m struggling with this.

I cannot pretend to understand why some people are so blessed with children, in quick succession, to multiple partners, with no honor to marriage while other committed couples cannot even become pregnant with the help of very skilled scientists and surgeons.

I cannot pretend I’m not hurt or angry about being denied another baby with our most recent FET failure.

The message this morning was so strong, but I can’t seem to find a specific scriptural reference.

I’m doing my best to empty myself, giving God the opportunity to speak to me, provide peace, and strength as we move forward. I’m doing my best to pour my heart out whenever I can so He can fill it the way He desires.

We have another surgery on the books for later this month. A couple months of hormone therapy will follow. With out next FET after recovery, the plan is to trade the prednisone for intralipids and add low dose lovenox. I’ll have some more learning to do as I’ve not experienced either of those treatments before.

I’m trusting HIM that HE knows better than I and that HE will guide us through whatever life sends our way. Thinking of you all and sending you our love.