Thankful during the storm.

We thank God when good things happen. We praise the Lord for blessings. It’s easy to hear good news and be thankful.

My husband noted how thankful a neighbor is, regardless of her trials. She has experienced more major and life-altering events and diagnoses, and yet, she keeps her head up, believing that the best life is always at the conclusion of this journey.

I, however, have been less than thankful through the challenging times. I have been bitter. Angry.

For the most part, only those closest to me have seen it.

I finally realize it is not enough to put on a brave face. I need to actually live it in my actions and circulate it through my body with every beat of my heart.

Thankful.

Thankful for whatever I might encounter today, tomorrow, or years down the road. Thankful for this minute, this word, this breath.

Thankful for God’s strength and courage when we are struggling. Thankful for His grace when we fall. Thankful for His humility when we ask forgiveness.

Day 1 of this 365 is over and it’s time for me to move on from anything that isn’t bringing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control (the fruits of the spirit – Galations 5:22-23). Hopefully, I can be a better servant to God’s people (everyone) in 2018. It’s never too late to do better.

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Finding balance.

Sometimes, I clean. Almost always, I cook. Rarely, I bake. Often, I am in the moment, enjoying and soaking it in. Sometimes, I fall apart. Many times, I take a deep breath and try again, or walk away. More often now, I’m reading scripture. Always, I love, even if I don’t like the behavior, I love the other human beings trying to do their best like me, even if it’s sometimes, almost always, rarely, or often.

Trying to find a balance between my professional goals and my personal life; fun and the desire for home-made meals, cleanliness, tidy rooms, and a well-behaved and happy toddler; wife and mother and daughter and neighbor and friend.

It’s a first for me since quite a while back. I’m finally able to look for a “normal” balance outside of the IVF realm.

In the midst of IVF, there is no balance. While life is going on outside of treatment (family, professionally, globally), that treatment is all-consuming. Medications. Appointments. Complimentary treatments requiring more appointments to aid the medications or relieve symptoms. More medication: needles and pills and suppositories and supplements and patches and more needles… and more pills.

And the hot/cold highs/lows and crashes.

And the tears. The guilt. The loss.

But the toddler, he is proof that all that stuff can work. He is ridiculously intelligent and challenging and I don’t even care if I only think that because I’m his mom – because I’m his MOM. Something I once thought was quite possibly impossible. I’m so thankful.