The “Longing” for a baby is so real.

Hearing a newborn cry. Watching a sleeping baby. Seeing a commercial for diapers. Remembering how it felt to nurse my baby. These are all my triggers. They make me long for a baby. This kind of yearning, aching – it’s uncontrollable. I want to cradle a baby in my arms and cry at the beauty of creation. I want to feel the snuggle that only a newborn can give.

I know, I’m being ungrateful because I have an amazing toddler who is crazily running around exploring everything he can get his hands on. I’m so, SO lucky to have him in my life and have experienced everything that brought him into being. Things have been rotten (with me – specifically my uterus) ever since, but I just need to put it all in perspective. If this is it. If my uterus is all done, I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s journey while I’m here dreaming of what I don’t have. I need to appreciate all I DO have.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like for couples who endure this torture for a decade or more. Our journey started only four years ago. We have a lovely little boy. Many people don’t have such an outcome. Here I am wanting a second when so many never get their first.

To anyone in the trenches, struggling with this beast of infertility, I want you to know that I am listening. I am listening and I support you. You are stronger than this. You are more than this.

Medicating and Waiting…

“Can you be patient?” This question keeps coming back to me. My doc asked me this when we first sat down to discuss the Asherman’s diagnosis and upcoming treatment plan of surgeries and hormones. “Yup,” I said as I knew I had no other choice. If we want to try to have another baby, I need to have a functioning uterus. No other option is present but to be patient. I’m not a big fan of patience. I like to just push through, whether that means staying up later or working harder or calling for extra help. That doesn’t really work in this case.

It really is such a short period of time in the big scheme of things. It’s so short in comparison to so many other stories and heartaches I hear about every day. My diagnosis wasn’t as bad as it could be, but I can’t have any more children, not even with IVF if I don’t treat this and soon.

I was hoping to have an appointment yesterday that would allow our doc to take a look and see how things were healing. Was there scar tissue remaining? Did the lining recover? Do I need another surgery? Did the scarring lessen or is there additional scarring? That appointment was cancelled because my doc wants to see me after I’ve had more time on the hormones, building and sloughing the lining, and see where that takes us. So, I’ve another week on estrogen, a week on progesterone, hopefully my period starts and I can get an appointment on the books. I’m really looking forward to learning our next step.

Baby J is now a year and a half. He is a climber of everything all of the time with no fear, unless it’s time to sleep. He’s running and falling, eating anything we let him (even some things we wish he wouldn’t), hugs and blows kisses, points at our nose/ears/mouth/teeth/eyes-ouch, and empties every cabinet he can open.

He is a dream-come-true.