The “Longing” for a baby is so real.

Hearing a newborn cry. Watching a sleeping baby. Seeing a commercial for diapers. Remembering how it felt to nurse my baby. These are all my triggers. They make me long for a baby. This kind of yearning, aching – it’s uncontrollable. I want to cradle a baby in my arms and cry at the beauty of creation. I want to feel the snuggle that only a newborn can give.

I know, I’m being ungrateful because I have an amazing toddler who is crazily running around exploring everything he can get his hands on. I’m so, SO lucky to have him in my life and have experienced everything that brought him into being. Things have been rotten (with me – specifically my uterus) ever since, but I just need to put it all in perspective. If this is it. If my uterus is all done, I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s journey while I’m here dreaming of what I don’t have. I need to appreciate all I DO have.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like for couples who endure this torture for a decade or more. Our journey started only four years ago. We have a lovely little boy. Many people don’t have such an outcome. Here I am wanting a second when so many never get their first.

To anyone in the trenches, struggling with this beast of infertility, I want you to know that I am listening. I am listening and I support you. You are stronger than this. You are more than this.

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Meltdown

I knew it was bound to happen. I just wasn’t expecting it now.

Today, I heard back from the pharmacy and they checked with my insurance which “doesn’t cover any fertility medication or treatments” …. did I need to be reminded again?

We then went in for our scheduled bloodwork around noon, right when we said we would be there, and our IVF nurse was AT LUNCH. That meant another nurse (now in an awkward situation) had to scramble to make sense of what I knew and find which consent forms we needed to sign today. In addition, she had to very quickly assess this situation and make an educated guess as to why we were doing certain tests.

I happened to ask if these tests were covered in our IVF cycle payment… and it’s not. These tests are all in addition to the way-too-big-number I had finally come to accept as the price of our IVF. Why isn’t there a breakdown of the cost? Why haven’t we been better informed? Why can’t things just go the way I plan them to go? (15 vials of my blood and 5 vials of his blood later, we’re moving forward with it)

The additional cost followed by a question of whether we wanted to continue with IVF this cycle triggered the monsoon of tears. I felt completely unconsolable. I simply couldn’t stop it. Luckily, I didn’t have any afternoon commitments so I did my best to distract myself. Lunch was by myself because the whole confusion at the clinic put us behind schedule and we didn’t get to eat together. I did a little window shopping but tears welled up in my eyes the whole time. Three hours later with the help of a phone conversation with my mom, I was able to collect myself to do my work and make it to my acupuncture appointment.

My acupuncturist pointed out some things that I have been doing to myself: looking at my personality traits as a negative, beating myself up over things that aren’t my fault, and setting myself up for more meltdowns. Of course, she didn’t list those things. She just caught me as I was talking and rephrased my words to compliment my strengths. I might just learn something about myself through this process!

I’m certain I will have more meltdowns, but I have a heads-up on my triggers now and a plan of action to lessen the anxiety that sets me up for meltdowns. Plus, I need more hugs from my Mr. Wonderful… that’s a prescription I don’t mind filling over and over again.