Ultrasound updated development: 6 weeks 3 days, 123 bpm

So, we have a baby! Baby measured 6 weeks 3 days instead of 7 weeks. I anticipated this due to how low our first HCG number was, possibly due to late implantation of our frozen embryo. We saw the heartbeat fluttering away at 123 beats per minute. We didn’t get to hear it as they didn’t want to send that much energy toward baby until it is bigger. We have a baby!

Still fighting the nausea, so that’s a great sign. I postponed my meeting with my high-risk OB until later in July. I was scheduled to meet with him next week, which would be 8 weeks by my last period, but since we’re not quiet there yet, I feel more comfortable waiting to have the almost 9 week ultrasound at the fertility clinic, then follow-up with my OB a week and a half later when I’m 10 weeks by our recalculation. It sure seems like a lot of appointments and very early, but it will be nice to have so many opportunities to peek in on baby’s progress over the next month.

We could really use your prayers as we lost Baby Drew, our first pregnancy, right around this time. Drew just stopped growing around 7 weeks. I know that fear is a lie, but the memories are still so close to my heart. Every stage of this pregnancy will be a huge achievement and no day will go unappreciated.

Here’s our first baby photo from yesterday:

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Thankful during the storm.

We thank God when good things happen. We praise the Lord for blessings. It’s easy to hear good news and be thankful.

My husband noted how thankful a neighbor is, regardless of her trials. She has experienced more major and life-altering events and diagnoses, and yet, she keeps her head up, believing that the best life is always at the conclusion of this journey.

I, however, have been less than thankful through the challenging times. I have been bitter. Angry.

For the most part, only those closest to me have seen it.

I finally realize it is not enough to put on a brave face. I need to actually live it in my actions and circulate it through my body with every beat of my heart.

Thankful.

Thankful for whatever I might encounter today, tomorrow, or years down the road. Thankful for this minute, this word, this breath.

Thankful for God’s strength and courage when we are struggling. Thankful for His grace when we fall. Thankful for His humility when we ask forgiveness.

Day 1 of this 365 is over and it’s time for me to move on from anything that isn’t bringing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control (the fruits of the spirit – Galations 5:22-23). Hopefully, I can be a better servant to God’s people (everyone) in 2018. It’s never too late to do better.

The “Longing” for a baby is so real.

Hearing a newborn cry. Watching a sleeping baby. Seeing a commercial for diapers. Remembering how it felt to nurse my baby. These are all my triggers. They make me long for a baby. This kind of yearning, aching – it’s uncontrollable. I want to cradle a baby in my arms and cry at the beauty of creation. I want to feel the snuggle that only a newborn can give.

I know, I’m being ungrateful because I have an amazing toddler who is crazily running around exploring everything he can get his hands on. I’m so, SO lucky to have him in my life and have experienced everything that brought him into being. Things have been rotten (with me – specifically my uterus) ever since, but I just need to put it all in perspective. If this is it. If my uterus is all done, I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s journey while I’m here dreaming of what I don’t have. I need to appreciate all I DO have.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like for couples who endure this torture for a decade or more. Our journey started only four years ago. We have a lovely little boy. Many people don’t have such an outcome. Here I am wanting a second when so many never get their first.

To anyone in the trenches, struggling with this beast of infertility, I want you to know that I am listening. I am listening and I support you. You are stronger than this. You are more than this.

Meltdown

I knew it was bound to happen. I just wasn’t expecting it now.

Today, I heard back from the pharmacy and they checked with my insurance which “doesn’t cover any fertility medication or treatments” …. did I need to be reminded again?

We then went in for our scheduled bloodwork around noon, right when we said we would be there, and our IVF nurse was AT LUNCH. That meant another nurse (now in an awkward situation) had to scramble to make sense of what I knew and find which consent forms we needed to sign today. In addition, she had to very quickly assess this situation and make an educated guess as to why we were doing certain tests.

I happened to ask if these tests were covered in our IVF cycle payment… and it’s not. These tests are all in addition to the way-too-big-number I had finally come to accept as the price of our IVF. Why isn’t there a breakdown of the cost? Why haven’t we been better informed? Why can’t things just go the way I plan them to go? (15 vials of my blood and 5 vials of his blood later, we’re moving forward with it)

The additional cost followed by a question of whether we wanted to continue with IVF this cycle triggered the monsoon of tears. I felt completely unconsolable. I simply couldn’t stop it. Luckily, I didn’t have any afternoon commitments so I did my best to distract myself. Lunch was by myself because the whole confusion at the clinic put us behind schedule and we didn’t get to eat together. I did a little window shopping but tears welled up in my eyes the whole time. Three hours later with the help of a phone conversation with my mom, I was able to collect myself to do my work and make it to my acupuncture appointment.

My acupuncturist pointed out some things that I have been doing to myself: looking at my personality traits as a negative, beating myself up over things that aren’t my fault, and setting myself up for more meltdowns. Of course, she didn’t list those things. She just caught me as I was talking and rephrased my words to compliment my strengths. I might just learn something about myself through this process!

I’m certain I will have more meltdowns, but I have a heads-up on my triggers now and a plan of action to lessen the anxiety that sets me up for meltdowns. Plus, I need more hugs from my Mr. Wonderful… that’s a prescription I don’t mind filling over and over again.