20 weeks — whoa-oh! we’re halfway there!

So thankful! Everything looked good today. Right anterior placenta that reaches across that side probably explains why I feel little to no movement most days.

We saw four chambers in the heart, three vessels in the umbilical cord, different parts of the brain measured, along with large arm bones, thickness at back of neck, saw an empty bladder, then full tummy, kidneys, followed by a full bladder, one hand behind head, one over his boy parts, and legs straight up over his head. He kept his chin tucked pretty tightly into his tummy. Cervix length is good. No placenta issues noticed. Good margins between uterine wall and placenta. No scar tissue noticed. No growth restriction.

I keep wondering, how is this actually possible?

How did I have no uterus, severe Asherman’s syndrome, no endometrial lining building on its own, one day of light periods, and yet, here we are?

I guess it’s just God stuff. One day, we will understand.

One day, we will know why both embryo babies transferred in 2016 didn’t have the same fate as this one. One day, we will understand how lucky we actually are to get this life.

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16.5 weeks – and there’s a baby in there!

Through the ultrasound today, there were no concerns identified. Fluid level was more than double what they like to see. Cervix looked good. Placenta didn’t appear to be invading inappropriately. How strange would it be if after all these surgeries and all the struggle with scar tissue, that we wouldn’t actually suffer any of the typical problems from scar tissue during pregnancy? I can pray.

“Dinosaur” (as named by Preschool J) was pretty chill. Only stretching out a leg and rolling away from the doppler when we tried to hear his heart. Preschool J joined us at the ultrasound today. We had his portable dvd player along for the visit as he’s not a fan of sitting still, but loves a good movie. He looked up and remarked how cool it was then went right back to his movie. He did say that Dinosaur was waving his foot at us and that he wanted to come out. !!!! Um, no, not yet, he’s only the size of a baked potato, we told him. :)

While I told my co-workers about our glorious news around 13 weeks, I have held off announcing to students. The cloud over my head of “I don’t want to tell them and have to un-tell them” kept me from sharing and also kept me hiding my baby belly as much as possible. I’m relieved to share our secret (I’m not a fan of keeping secrets) and also wear more of my clothes.

Other than a secondary sinus infection on top of the viral infection that I still have from four weeks ago, I’m feeling pretty good. No more nausea, but definitely getting achy in my hips and belly near the end of the day. All is well. It’s all worth it. Preschool J frequently kisses or rubs my belly and says, “I love you baby brother.”

12 weeks… holding steady

Today, we are officially 12.5 weeks. We decided against the first trimester screening NT scan and bloodwork. With PGS five years ago, we don’t feel we would learn anything from the NT scan and such. Even if we did learn something from it, we aren’t going to change the course. If something operable would be detected, nothing would be done until after our 16 week ultrasound anyway, and they could identify it then. Basically, ultrasounds make me cramp and this one was going to be 45 minutes, I was told….. not interested in that, especially if it doesn’t improve the quality of life for our littlest one.

So, I am trying to remind myself that this is actually happening! This is real! My boss knows and is very excited for us. She knows of our struggle and has great empathy, celebrating our miracle.

Like so many other moms in waiting, I’m having moments of great doubt, feeling very un-pregnant… except for the nausea, exhaustion, and growing belly. I’d forgotten how much it hides by morning then reappears by evening.

Literally, day by day, I struggle with doubt.

My heart is 100% confident that God knows better than us and regardless of the result of this pregnancy, we are all good. He has us in His hands and His plans are always better than ours. So, why does the doubt still squeeze in? It’s my self-defense from our previous loss, failed transfers, cancelled cycles and not-so-happy fertility surprises. I’m praising God I don’t have to do this alone, be this strong alone, and I can rest well with Him.

10 weeks and all the feelings

Feeling excited, happy, tired, nauseated, grateful, hungry, thirsty, shocked, giddy, denial, sad, happy again and more. The feelings are all so there and yet… there is a numbness. A feeling that I’m making this all up. Feeling that somehow, I have messed this all up. Feeling disconnected.

AND THEN we see this little one. We are here. God brought us through it all.