The pill.

So, while this isn’t big news, we are back on the pill over here. Good news is that I made it through 7 months without ANY medication. No hormones. No pills, patches, injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, nothing. Unfortunately, that changed last week because the duration and strength of my periods were less and less, which is not the way we want things to go if we want to avoid surgery and have any chance at building a lining to transfer our final embryo. Good news, again, is that I DID have a cycle of normal length on a regular basis without any medical assistance.

So, good news and less desirable news, but I’d say I already beat the odds of being in pre-menopause by my mid 30’s (because I’m there, dude). If it weren’t for physician error, I would have a functioning lining in my uterus and have a very good chance of a successful pregnancy. No lawsuit or anger will ever change my circumstances in that concern.

At the moment, the medication plan is to follow the pill for one month, then estradiol by mouth in AM and suppository by PM for 28 days, followed by progesterone pills for 7 days, then, repeat the estradiol/progesterone protocol for 2 more months. So, four months of medication and another evaluation to decide any further course of treatment.

I feel surrounded by babies. My heart still aches to have another. I pray that we will, but I’m also enjoying spoiling Toddler J with all my love and snuggles. He amazes us every day… and challenges us, too.

Our family is experiencing other hardships on his side and mine. We are praying for his father and my brother. Praying for healing that surpasses all expectations.

We ask for your prayers right now, for our family and for our own future. We pray for faith in His will and guidance. We also pray for the knowledge, foresight and wisdom of the medical professionals who provide care for us and our family. I find myself taking my health, strength, sight, etc. for granted every day.

Lord, we are ever so grateful. Help us use these gifts to bring the glory to You. Amen.

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Finding balance.

Sometimes, I clean. Almost always, I cook. Rarely, I bake. Often, I am in the moment, enjoying and soaking it in. Sometimes, I fall apart. Many times, I take a deep breath and try again, or walk away. More often now, I’m reading scripture. Always, I love, even if I don’t like the behavior, I love the other human beings trying to do their best like me, even if it’s sometimes, almost always, rarely, or often.

Trying to find a balance between my professional goals and my personal life; fun and the desire for home-made meals, cleanliness, tidy rooms, and a well-behaved and happy toddler; wife and mother and daughter and neighbor and friend.

It’s a first for me since quite a while back. I’m finally able to look for a “normal” balance outside of the IVF realm.

In the midst of IVF, there is no balance. While life is going on outside of treatment (family, professionally, globally), that treatment is all-consuming. Medications. Appointments. Complimentary treatments requiring more appointments to aid the medications or relieve symptoms. More medication: needles and pills and suppositories and supplements and patches and more needles… and more pills.

And the hot/cold highs/lows and crashes.

And the tears. The guilt. The loss.

But the toddler, he is proof that all that stuff can work. He is ridiculously intelligent and challenging and I don’t even care if I only think that because I’m his mom – because I’m his MOM. Something I once thought was quite possibly impossible. I’m so thankful.

 

Infertility – Asherman’s Syndrome

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Good night, sweet prince.

Our first beta on Friday was 7 and that number fell even further to 3 today. I knew it was coming, because a 7 at 11 days past a 5 day transfer is not a good number.

Estrogen is sky high 2000+ and progesterone is over 100. The crash will be fierce.

I did absolutely everything I could do. Prayer. Prayer warriors. Acupuncture twice a week for 6 weeks prior. Blood-building diet. Bone broth. High protein diet. 2-day bedrest. Acupuncture on site before and after transfer. Didn’t lift anything over 10 lbs. Barely used any stairs. Watched funny movies. Ate pineapple core for 5 days after transfer. Took Lupron, Cialis, Pentoxifylline, intralipids IV drip, low dose aspirin, extra vitamin E, food-based prenatal, extra methylated B vitamins, extra vitamin D, estrogen suppositories and injections, progesterone injections, HCG injections, no exercise, no caffeine, no chocolate, no coffee, no dairy, no sugar, no alcohol, no gluten, organic as much as possible, and still… no success.

I cannot take this burden on myself. I did everything there was to do. Now I pray for peace that only God can provide – that which passes all understanding.

But tonight, I say good night to our baby boy, our prince. We will meet you again one day.

In less than 24 hours…

…we will get to meet our third frozen embryo. We are cleared for takeoff with our FET scheduled for tomorrow at 2pm. I can hardly believe it!

We are so grateful for all your prayers. Only God could give us the endurance for this and the strength to believe this can work.

The endometrial lining was between 6 and 7mm with a triple-layer. The scars in the basalis layer of my uterus are still there, but “the embryo doesn’t know they are” said our doc today. Ha! Funny stuff he says.

If you want to reach me, I will be doing … well, basically nothing except focusing on positive energy, prayers (for so many people also needing prayers right now), and doing my best not to annoy my loved ones who will be waiting on me for the next 2, or 3, or 6 days. :)

Please stick around and meet us in about eight and half months, little frosty em-baby!

Surgery #5

Yep. Fifth surgery on this tough mudder of a uterus.

I get so frustrated that she isn’t doing what she should but she has been through a lot and she keeps trying. She has survived the worst of scars and, according to my doc, looks pretty good. He removed one patch of scar tissue and a few nodules, but she looked pretty good. He even wonders if there was some embryo issue (even though we had PGD, it could’ve been something else, not chromosomal) and if the failure really wasn’t to blame on the lining… who knows.

What I do know is that he said, “this is your last surgery. I don’t want to do another surgery because it looks good.” So, I’m going to take that and run with it.

We look good.

We are going to heal well through healthy movement, great food, happy times, and reduced stress. We are doing everything we can to build a safe, healthy home for our next embryo to grow strong. We look forward to bringing another brilliant, independent child into this world to love and cherish.

I started estrogen injections and suppositories this morning. Here we go… again!

If you knew what was in store for you…

you would laugh instead of cry.

This was the message loud and clear this morning. As I was working on a project, I  emptied my thoughts to God. I asked him questions that have been troubling me lately and He responded.

But he didn’t respond with a verse from the Bible, instead, I strongly felt a reference to a show my hubby and I have been watching on and off for a while now. In this show, one brother comes to power while the other brother is on the sidelines, watching. The second brother endures some really rough circumstances and goes to a “see-er” who tells him the message I received today. The words were a little different. I believe he was told that he would “dance naked on the beach.” Well, here’s to dancing!

Yes, I’m struggling with this.

I cannot pretend to understand why some people are so blessed with children, in quick succession, to multiple partners, with no honor to marriage while other committed couples cannot even become pregnant with the help of very skilled scientists and surgeons.

I cannot pretend I’m not hurt or angry about being denied another baby with our most recent FET failure.

The message this morning was so strong, but I can’t seem to find a specific scriptural reference.

I’m doing my best to empty myself, giving God the opportunity to speak to me, provide peace, and strength as we move forward. I’m doing my best to pour my heart out whenever I can so He can fill it the way He desires.

We have another surgery on the books for later this month. A couple months of hormone therapy will follow. With out next FET after recovery, the plan is to trade the prednisone for intralipids and add low dose lovenox. I’ll have some more learning to do as I’ve not experienced either of those treatments before.

I’m trusting HIM that HE knows better than I and that HE will guide us through whatever life sends our way. Thinking of you all and sending you our love.

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