16.5 weeks – and there’s a baby in there!

Through the ultrasound today, there were no concerns identified. Fluid level was more than double what they like to see. Cervix looked good. Placenta didn’t appear to be invading inappropriately. How strange would it be if after all these surgeries and all the struggle with scar tissue, that we wouldn’t actually suffer any of the typical problems from scar tissue during pregnancy? I can pray.

“Dinosaur” (as named by Preschool J) was pretty chill. Only stretching out a leg and rolling away from the doppler when we tried to hear his heart. Preschool J joined us at the ultrasound today. We had his portable dvd player along for the visit as he’s not a fan of sitting still, but loves a good movie. He looked up and remarked how cool it was then went right back to his movie. He did say that Dinosaur was waving his foot at us and that he wanted to come out. !!!! Um, no, not yet, he’s only the size of a baked potato, we told him. :)

While I told my co-workers about our glorious news around 13 weeks, I have held off announcing to students. The cloud over my head of “I don’t want to tell them and have to un-tell them” kept me from sharing and also kept me hiding my baby belly as much as possible. I’m relieved to share our secret (I’m not a fan of keeping secrets) and also wear more of my clothes.

Other than a secondary sinus infection on top of the viral infection that I still have from four weeks ago, I’m feeling pretty good. No more nausea, but definitely getting achy in my hips and belly near the end of the day. All is well. It’s all worth it. Preschool J frequently kisses or rubs my belly and says, “I love you baby brother.”

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12 weeks… holding steady

Today, we are officially 12.5 weeks. We decided against the first trimester screening NT scan and bloodwork. With PGS five years ago, we don’t feel we would learn anything from the NT scan and such. Even if we did learn something from it, we aren’t going to change the course. If something operable would be detected, nothing would be done until after our 16 week ultrasound anyway, and they could identify it then. Basically, ultrasounds make me cramp and this one was going to be 45 minutes, I was told….. not interested in that, especially if it doesn’t improve the quality of life for our littlest one.

So, I am trying to remind myself that this is actually happening! This is real! My boss knows and is very excited for us. She knows of our struggle and has great empathy, celebrating our miracle.

Like so many other moms in waiting, I’m having moments of great doubt, feeling very un-pregnant… except for the nausea, exhaustion, and growing belly. I’d forgotten how much it hides by morning then reappears by evening.

Literally, day by day, I struggle with doubt.

My heart is 100% confident that God knows better than us and regardless of the result of this pregnancy, we are all good. He has us in His hands and His plans are always better than ours. So, why does the doubt still squeeze in? It’s my self-defense from our previous loss, failed transfers, cancelled cycles and not-so-happy fertility surprises. I’m praising God I don’t have to do this alone, be this strong alone, and I can rest well with Him.

10 weeks and all the feelings

Feeling excited, happy, tired, nauseated, grateful, hungry, thirsty, shocked, giddy, denial, sad, happy again and more. The feelings are all so there and yet… there is a numbness. A feeling that I’m making this all up. Feeling that somehow, I have messed this all up. Feeling disconnected.

AND THEN we see this little one. We are here. God brought us through it all.

 

8 weeks 3 days, heartbeat 172!

We still have a little bub brewing! And baby is right on track with our last ultrasound (7 weeks measured 6 weeks 3 days – 9 weeks measured 8 weeks 3 days). Baby wasn’t sitting in a very photogenic position and wasn’t moving much, just swiping around with hands and fingers.

I’ll be honest, I’ve had to repeat to myself that “everything will be fine, no matter how this goes” as I’m having the hardest time believing this is real (even though I’m still experiencing the “comfort” of nausea). ;)

I will have an appointment with my high-risk OB at 10 weeks, so in a week and a half or so. We will have another ultrasound that day and talk about what’s next. Right now, what’s next is the count down for meds. I have 20 more progesterone injections, 5 more estrogen injections, and about 40 more estradiol pills either by mouth or suppository. It will be nice to move on from this part of our lives.

Today, we had our last scheduled appointment at our fertility clinic. We’ve been going there since 2012 and we finally have met the end of our fertility journey. We look forward to joining the clinic on the celebration days now, hopefully, with two IVF babes in arms. <3

 

 

8 weeks – bleh :S

I am seriously so thankful for feeling this nasty. It is a comfort to me that SOMEthing is actually going on! It’s too early to have a baby bump, so anything that shows is just bloat from hormones or food, or both. It’s too early to feel baby move. I remember counting kicks when J was a baby. That gave me some reassurance that he was doing just fine.

The only thing I’ve got to even hint that I’m pregnant is this nasty first trimester nausea (“morning” sickness) and extreme fatigue. Fatigue like I once went to bed around 11p and rose at 6:30a with a normal day of work in between the repeat of that. Last night, I went to bed at 9p, woke up at 7:30a, took a one hour nap with Toddler J in the afternoon, and I’m ready to get off to bed again…. but it’s only 7:30p…. so I’ll wait.

The other part of being mildly nauseous and hungry all the time is strange, too. I’m craving spaghetti-o’s tonight and I don’t think I’ve had them since college, 2003ish.

Again, I’m so grateful for these symptoms because I would be otherwise 100% convinced that nothing was changing, not even a chance.

This first trimester stuff is no joke! Kudos to ladies that have done this when it’s recent enough they can even remember what the first tri is like. I’m sure I felt this way with J, but I just don’t remember. Figured I should write it down just in case anyone else was feeling crazy, like I just need to hibernate until week 14….. bleh.       ;)

Ultrasound updated development: 6 weeks 3 days, 123 bpm

So, we have a baby! Baby measured 6 weeks 3 days instead of 7 weeks. I anticipated this due to how low our first HCG number was, possibly due to late implantation of our frozen embryo. We saw the heartbeat fluttering away at 123 beats per minute. We didn’t get to hear it as they didn’t want to send that much energy toward baby until it is bigger. We have a baby!

Still fighting the nausea, so that’s a great sign. I postponed my meeting with my high-risk OB until later in July. I was scheduled to meet with him next week, which would be 8 weeks by my last period, but since we’re not quiet there yet, I feel more comfortable waiting to have the almost 9 week ultrasound at the fertility clinic, then follow-up with my OB a week and a half later when I’m 10 weeks by our recalculation. It sure seems like a lot of appointments and very early, but it will be nice to have so many opportunities to peek in on baby’s progress over the next month.

We could really use your prayers as we lost Baby Drew, our first pregnancy, right around this time. Drew just stopped growing around 7 weeks. I know that fear is a lie, but the memories are still so close to my heart. Every stage of this pregnancy will be a huge achievement and no day will go unappreciated.

Here’s our first baby photo from yesterday:

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