12 weeks… holding steady

Today, we are officially 12.5 weeks. We decided against the first trimester screening NT scan and bloodwork. With PGS five years ago, we don’t feel we would learn anything from the NT scan and such. Even if we did learn something from it, we aren’t going to change the course. If something operable would be detected, nothing would be done until after our 16 week ultrasound anyway, and they could identify it then. Basically, ultrasounds make me cramp and this one was going to be 45 minutes, I was told….. not interested in that, especially if it doesn’t improve the quality of life for our littlest one.

So, I am trying to remind myself that this is actually happening! This is real! My boss knows and is very excited for us. She knows of our struggle and has great empathy, celebrating our miracle.

Like so many other moms in waiting, I’m having moments of great doubt, feeling very un-pregnant… except for the nausea, exhaustion, and growing belly. I’d forgotten how much it hides by morning then reappears by evening.

Literally, day by day, I struggle with doubt.

My heart is 100% confident that God knows better than us and regardless of the result of this pregnancy, we are all good. He has us in His hands and His plans are always better than ours. So, why does the doubt still squeeze in? It’s my self-defense from our previous loss, failed transfers, cancelled cycles and not-so-happy fertility surprises. I’m praising God I don’t have to do this alone, be this strong alone, and I can rest well with Him.

8 weeks 3 days, heartbeat 172!

We still have a little bub brewing! And baby is right on track with our last ultrasound (7 weeks measured 6 weeks 3 days – 9 weeks measured 8 weeks 3 days). Baby wasn’t sitting in a very photogenic position and wasn’t moving much, just swiping around with hands and fingers.

I’ll be honest, I’ve had to repeat to myself that “everything will be fine, no matter how this goes” as I’m having the hardest time believing this is real (even though I’m still experiencing the “comfort” of nausea). ;)

I will have an appointment with my high-risk OB at 10 weeks, so in a week and a half or so. We will have another ultrasound that day and talk about what’s next. Right now, what’s next is the count down for meds. I have 20 more progesterone injections, 5 more estrogen injections, and about 40 more estradiol pills either by mouth or suppository. It will be nice to move on from this part of our lives.

Today, we had our last scheduled appointment at our fertility clinic. We’ve been going there since 2012 and we finally have met the end of our fertility journey. We look forward to joining the clinic on the celebration days now, hopefully, with two IVF babes in arms. <3

 

 

8 weeks – bleh :S

I am seriously so thankful for feeling this nasty. It is a comfort to me that SOMEthing is actually going on! It’s too early to have a baby bump, so anything that shows is just bloat from hormones or food, or both. It’s too early to feel baby move. I remember counting kicks when J was a baby. That gave me some reassurance that he was doing just fine.

The only thing I’ve got to even hint that I’m pregnant is this nasty first trimester nausea (“morning” sickness) and extreme fatigue. Fatigue like I once went to bed around 11p and rose at 6:30a with a normal day of work in between the repeat of that. Last night, I went to bed at 9p, woke up at 7:30a, took a one hour nap with Toddler J in the afternoon, and I’m ready to get off to bed again…. but it’s only 7:30p…. so I’ll wait.

The other part of being mildly nauseous and hungry all the time is strange, too. I’m craving spaghetti-o’s tonight and I don’t think I’ve had them since college, 2003ish.

Again, I’m so grateful for these symptoms because I would be otherwise 100% convinced that nothing was changing, not even a chance.

This first trimester stuff is no joke! Kudos to ladies that have done this when it’s recent enough they can even remember what the first tri is like. I’m sure I felt this way with J, but I just don’t remember. Figured I should write it down just in case anyone else was feeling crazy, like I just need to hibernate until week 14….. bleh.       ;)

Ultrasound updated development: 6 weeks 3 days, 123 bpm

So, we have a baby! Baby measured 6 weeks 3 days instead of 7 weeks. I anticipated this due to how low our first HCG number was, possibly due to late implantation of our frozen embryo. We saw the heartbeat fluttering away at 123 beats per minute. We didn’t get to hear it as they didn’t want to send that much energy toward baby until it is bigger. We have a baby!

Still fighting the nausea, so that’s a great sign. I postponed my meeting with my high-risk OB until later in July. I was scheduled to meet with him next week, which would be 8 weeks by my last period, but since we’re not quiet there yet, I feel more comfortable waiting to have the almost 9 week ultrasound at the fertility clinic, then follow-up with my OB a week and a half later when I’m 10 weeks by our recalculation. It sure seems like a lot of appointments and very early, but it will be nice to have so many opportunities to peek in on baby’s progress over the next month.

We could really use your prayers as we lost Baby Drew, our first pregnancy, right around this time. Drew just stopped growing around 7 weeks. I know that fear is a lie, but the memories are still so close to my heart. Every stage of this pregnancy will be a huge achievement and no day will go unappreciated.

Here’s our first baby photo from yesterday:

Modified bed rest day 2!

I don’t remember the bed rest part being this boring. I’ve plenty of books, movies, things to do but I’m just tired of sitting. I’m not good at “being still” for very long. 30 minutes tops, really.

So, day 2 is almost done and my awesome parents have been taking care of everything they can, mostly chasing and entertaining the always busy Toddler J. He gave me a hug the morning of the transfer and said “I love you, brother.” Then, after transfer said, “I can’t wait to see my brother.” I asked him how he knew he was going to have a brother and he said, “I just know.” He then informed me that he wants two, a brother and a sister. Asking for the moon and the sky, too!

The transfer was a breeze. Started my 32 oz water intake 15 minutes early just like in the trial transfer, then took the valium, had acupuncture, and just as we walked out the escalator, our embryologist greeted us and brought us back. Perfect timing. Frosty baby embryo #3 was transferred at 11:33am on May 29. #3 was a day five embryo so our embryologist said implantation typically happens between days 5 and 7, so possibly not even until tomorrow. #3 was hatching out already, so I imagine it would be likely to connect sooner than later, but given my history of scar tissue and FET failures, who knows. Just praying this one is super sticky.

Started lovenox this morning and continuing the baby aspirin, vitamins, progesterone in oil (IM every day), estrace suppository (twice a day), and delestrogen (IM twice a week). I had one more subQ hcg shot this morning with the final one in three days. Baseline pregnancy test is 9 days post transfer (Friday, June 8) with final pregnancy test 12 days post transfer (Monday, June 11). If I have a positive, I’ll go in for another intralipid infusion.

Trying to think positive. As of this moment, I am pregnant!

Finding balance.

Sometimes, I clean. Almost always, I cook. Rarely, I bake. Often, I am in the moment, enjoying and soaking it in. Sometimes, I fall apart. Many times, I take a deep breath and try again, or walk away. More often now, I’m reading scripture. Always, I love, even if I don’t like the behavior, I love the other human beings trying to do their best like me, even if it’s sometimes, almost always, rarely, or often.

Trying to find a balance between my professional goals and my personal life; fun and the desire for home-made meals, cleanliness, tidy rooms, and a well-behaved and happy toddler; wife and mother and daughter and neighbor and friend.

It’s a first for me since quite a while back. I’m finally able to look for a “normal” balance outside of the IVF realm.

In the midst of IVF, there is no balance. While life is going on outside of treatment (family, professionally, globally), that treatment is all-consuming. Medications. Appointments. Complimentary treatments requiring more appointments to aid the medications or relieve symptoms. More medication: needles and pills and suppositories and supplements and patches and more needles… and more pills.

And the hot/cold highs/lows and crashes.

And the tears. The guilt. The loss.

But the toddler, he is proof that all that stuff can work. He is ridiculously intelligent and challenging and I don’t even care if I only think that because I’m his mom – because I’m his MOM. Something I once thought was quite possibly impossible. I’m so thankful.

 

Be still.

Exodus 14:14 “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

So, I’m doing my best… Bedrest day 1. My clinic required two days back when we transferred baby J, but now they say just one. Since the transfer in March with one day of bedrest did not work, I’m going back to two days (nobody told me to, I just decided it was best to go with what worked before).

Baby J is at daycare and hubby is at work.

By the way, look at the size of that embryo! The others we transferred were never coming out of their shell like this one. The dense part near the bottom center is the baby and the rest will turn into placenta. The transfer was smooth. No need to give time for the bladder to fill and no need to empty any off the top. In the past, I’ve needed just a little more time or was overfull. Guess that repetition has helped me.

Trying to find funny stuff to watch over the next two weeks. If you have any recommendations, please let me know! I’ll watch “Sisters” for sure. Anything else?

Jimmy Fallon is my “go-to” right now. Here’s one for you all:

http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/video/first-textual-experience-with-sting/3107263

Jimmy is hilarious, but Sting… well, he’s Sting… sooo good. And yes, all I’m doing in bed right now is eating.

Day 1.

All systems go.

Ultrasound today checked lining and ovaries. No cysts. Lining is thin. Blood draw to check estrogen came back acceptable, so medications begin. Continuing Lupron, baby aspirin, folate, P5P (B6), methylcobalamin (B12), prenatal, vitamin D, calcium, and fish oil. Adding pills and patches for estrogen.

Another ultrasound and blood draw on Friday.

Hesitantly excited.

39 weeks, 4 days – our last week!

Today, we decided if Baby hasn’t arrived by my appointment next Monday, we will get some help to get things moving forward. This is our last week before we welcome our little guy home! We are so excited to meet him!

Last week, I had one more big event at work and my vehicle ate its transmission. This is the second transmission it has gone through and the cost to replace it is double the value of my vehicle… so we are loosely car-shopping, specifically for a good-sized, used SUV. Every one I find online is sold before we get to it. We actually test-drove a Tahoe we both loved but by the time we returned to the dealership, it was sold! I guess there is something better out there for us!

So, I’m stuck being dependent upon my hubby for any trips (to work, from work, to the store, anything) and it’s such a strange feeling. On the positive side, when Baby arrives within the next week, we will have a few weeks to find something we feel really good about.

Still feeling fantastic, pregnant, but fantastic! I’m loving every moment I get to carry this little man with me and don’t have to share him with anyone else. We have been waiting a long time to meet our little one and see our dreams in the flesh.

Any positive thoughts or prayers for Baby to arrive on his own power before Monday will be much appreciated. We’d love to avoid medical intervention, but we will accept the help we need without regret. Thank you for all the strength you’ve provided us through thoughts and prayers during our journey. I look forward to sharing his image, name, and birth story when the time comes.