Meltdown

I knew it was bound to happen. I just wasn’t expecting it now.

Today, I heard back from the pharmacy and they checked with my insurance which “doesn’t cover any fertility medication or treatments” …. did I need to be reminded again?

We then went in for our scheduled bloodwork around noon, right when we said we would be there, and our IVF nurse was AT LUNCH. That meant another nurse (now in an awkward situation) had to scramble to make sense of what I knew and find which consent forms we needed to sign today. In addition, she had to very quickly assess this situation and make an educated guess as to why we were doing certain tests.

I happened to ask if these tests were covered in our IVF cycle payment… and it’s not. These tests are all in addition to the way-too-big-number I had finally come to accept as the price of our IVF. Why isn’t there a breakdown of the cost? Why haven’t we been better informed? Why can’t things just go the way I plan them to go? (15 vials of my blood and 5 vials of his blood later, we’re moving forward with it)

The additional cost followed by a question of whether we wanted to continue with IVF this cycle triggered the monsoon of tears. I felt completely unconsolable. I simply couldn’t stop it. Luckily, I didn’t have any afternoon commitments so I did my best to distract myself. Lunch was by myself because the whole confusion at the clinic put us behind schedule and we didn’t get to eat together. I did a little window shopping but tears welled up in my eyes the whole time. Three hours later with the help of a phone conversation with my mom, I was able to collect myself to do my work and make it to my acupuncture appointment.

My acupuncturist pointed out some things that I have been doing to myself: looking at my personality traits as a negative, beating myself up over things that aren’t my fault, and setting myself up for more meltdowns. Of course, she didn’t list those things. She just caught me as I was talking and rephrased my words to compliment my strengths. I might just learn something about myself through this process!

I’m certain I will have more meltdowns, but I have a heads-up on my triggers now and a plan of action to lessen the anxiety that sets me up for meltdowns. Plus, I need more hugs from my Mr. Wonderful… that’s a prescription I don’t mind filling over and over again.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. fromheretomotherhood
    Jan 31, 2013 @ 09:21:41

    I’m sorry to hear that you had a meltdown, but I think you’re right that it was bound to happen. This is such an emotionally devastating process. Getting a hug from the hubby can definitely be a great treatment, so can becoming aware of your triggers and trying to be proactive about asking for help when you need it. I am thinking of you and wishing you nothing but luck!

    Reply

  2. Lucy
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 08:27:20

    **hugs** Your are not alone – this is normal! I’ve had almost two months off since my last IVF cycle and I’ve felt as happy as I can remember being in a long time, just getting some distance from the process. I hadn’t realized how emotionally and physically draining the cycle was until it was over and I had some time to reflect. I think the most important thing I learned is to try not to beat yourself up if you go in one day and your follicle count looks low, your lining isn’t very thick, etc. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in those numbers every day and measure yourself against a perfect standard (which is almost impossible to meet), but try to take the long view and know that things continue to change until the day of the retrieval. And pamper yourself. As much as you can, try to eliminate stressors and be kind to yourself. Good luck!

    Reply

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