What to do…

I’ve been thinking about everything we tried before we finally resorted to IVF. I’ve been thinking about

the pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, fertility monitoring,

the diet changes (no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no caffeine/coffee/chocolate),

the supplements (DHEA, primrose oil, etc.),

de-stressing (quit a job, stopped exercising, said “no” to more opportunities),

the acupuncture,

meeting with a naturopath,

the Mayan abdominal massage,

the testing, IUIs, hysteroscopies, that painful HSG,

reading, reading, reading, and

the wishing, hoping, and praying.

Now, we are here, on the other side, with a teething toddler and toys everywhere. Is it possible to still be in awe of it all? Am I still in denial that we are actually here? Is it possible we could be so lucky again? Do I go back and try all those things again or do I just ignore the fact that we ever needed treatment? It all feels like a long, long time ago… yet only three years have passed since our miscarriage, two years have passed since our FET.

Tomorrow, I go in for more tests: bloodwork, trial embryo transfer, doppler of blood flow, and another hysteroscopy. I hope all tests will yield positive results and we can move forward in hopes of adding to our family again.

Meltdown

I knew it was bound to happen. I just wasn’t expecting it now.

Today, I heard back from the pharmacy and they checked with my insurance which “doesn’t cover any fertility medication or treatments” …. did I need to be reminded again?

We then went in for our scheduled bloodwork around noon, right when we said we would be there, and our IVF nurse was AT LUNCH. That meant another nurse (now in an awkward situation) had to scramble to make sense of what I knew and find which consent forms we needed to sign today. In addition, she had to very quickly assess this situation and make an educated guess as to why we were doing certain tests.

I happened to ask if these tests were covered in our IVF cycle payment… and it’s not. These tests are all in addition to the way-too-big-number I had finally come to accept as the price of our IVF. Why isn’t there a breakdown of the cost? Why haven’t we been better informed? Why can’t things just go the way I plan them to go? (15 vials of my blood and 5 vials of his blood later, we’re moving forward with it)

The additional cost followed by a question of whether we wanted to continue with IVF this cycle triggered the monsoon of tears. I felt completely unconsolable. I simply couldn’t stop it. Luckily, I didn’t have any afternoon commitments so I did my best to distract myself. Lunch was by myself because the whole confusion at the clinic put us behind schedule and we didn’t get to eat together. I did a little window shopping but tears welled up in my eyes the whole time. Three hours later with the help of a phone conversation with my mom, I was able to collect myself to do my work and make it to my acupuncture appointment.

My acupuncturist pointed out some things that I have been doing to myself: looking at my personality traits as a negative, beating myself up over things that aren’t my fault, and setting myself up for more meltdowns. Of course, she didn’t list those things. She just caught me as I was talking and rephrased my words to compliment my strengths. I might just learn something about myself through this process!

I’m certain I will have more meltdowns, but I have a heads-up on my triggers now and a plan of action to lessen the anxiety that sets me up for meltdowns. Plus, I need more hugs from my Mr. Wonderful… that’s a prescription I don’t mind filling over and over again.