30 day cycle

Well, this is the heaviest menstrual cycle I can ever remember having, aside from after delivering baby J, the post-surgery hemorrhage and miscarriages. The last cycle was 30 days long, 21 days of estrogen therapy starting the day after surgery with an additional 7 days of progesterone.

While the heavy cycle is atypical, it is good news considering that building a good thick lining has been a challenge for me since discovering the Asherman’s issue last year. Maybe this fifth surgery has provided the space needed to grow a healthy lining OR the Chinese herbs I took starting one week after surgery this time made a difference. Either way, I’m pretty optimistic.

I look forward to sharing this positive change with my IVF nurse and acupuncturist. I have such a great team of professionals working for us.

On another topic, I watched “The Fault in Our Stars” today. Bawled. Of course. But it was a powerful movie.

I don’t know when or where this chapter in our story will end, but when it does, I know the three of us have enough love to find happiness, regardless of the outcome.

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One of Three.

Well, here I am, 21 days of estrogen therapy (2mg estrace suppositories morning and night with injections twice a week) followed by 5 days of progesterone (provera) and I have just two more of that. My cycle should start any day, then we get to start round two of the same treatment. Doc would like to see me go through three months of treatment before we try another transfer cycle.

Every time I start provera, I think my cycle will start like clockwork. The waiting for the starting seems to take forever, because I’m not really awaiting anything, just the end of this cycle. There is no reward or excitement. Unless you find suppositories exciting… not I. It has been nice to only have to swallow the provera once a day instead of twice a day suppositories and twice a week injections. To those of you that have more than two suppositories a day, wow! You are a trooper! I’d rather do injections than do that. Lucky me, I get both. Ha.

We have other exciting things happening, moving to a house closer to work and in a wonderful neighborhood next weekend, my mom’s 60th birthday, plans to visit friends and family this summer, and we are in the last week of school until August. Good stuff.

Toddler J is keeping us busy and challenging us greatly with his independent spirit. His sweet moments are overwhelmingly sweet. Those moments amaze us. Of course, there are other amazing moments when he decides to communicate very clearly what it is he wants or sees/hears/smells/tastes. We often look in awe at him.

 

 

Embryo #2. Until I see you again.

You are loved and have been loved even before you were conceived. You were given a name. A strong name to honor both of your mama’s grandmothers.

June (shortened from Julianne)

Hazel

I mourn your loss as my child. I also mourn the idea of mommy/daughter time.

One day, we will all meet and our babies Drew and June Hazel will be there to celebrate with us. You have joined the many family and friends we already have with our Heavenly Father. I think of you both often. I love you. We love you.

Your mommy and daddy will do our best to make you proud and honor your lives by living ours to the fullest.

(written May 2016)

Surgery #5

Yep. Fifth surgery on this tough mudder of a uterus.

I get so frustrated that she isn’t doing what she should but she has been through a lot and she keeps trying. She has survived the worst of scars and, according to my doc, looks pretty good. He removed one patch of scar tissue and a few nodules, but she looked pretty good. He even wonders if there was some embryo issue (even though we had PGD, it could’ve been something else, not chromosomal) and if the failure really wasn’t to blame on the lining… who knows.

What I do know is that he said, “this is your last surgery. I don’t want to do another surgery because it looks good.” So, I’m going to take that and run with it.

We look good.

We are going to heal well through healthy movement, great food, happy times, and reduced stress. We are doing everything we can to build a safe, healthy home for our next embryo to grow strong. We look forward to bringing another brilliant, independent child into this world to love and cherish.

I started estrogen injections and suppositories this morning. Here we go… again!

If you knew what was in store for you…

you would laugh instead of cry.

This was the message loud and clear this morning. As I was working on a project, I  emptied my thoughts to God. I asked him questions that have been troubling me lately and He responded.

But he didn’t respond with a verse from the Bible, instead, I strongly felt a reference to a show my hubby and I have been watching on and off for a while now. In this show, one brother comes to power while the other brother is on the sidelines, watching. The second brother endures some really rough circumstances and goes to a “see-er” who tells him the message I received today. The words were a little different. I believe he was told that he would “dance naked on the beach.” Well, here’s to dancing!

Yes, I’m struggling with this.

I cannot pretend to understand why some people are so blessed with children, in quick succession, to multiple partners, with no honor to marriage while other committed couples cannot even become pregnant with the help of very skilled scientists and surgeons.

I cannot pretend I’m not hurt or angry about being denied another baby with our most recent FET failure.

The message this morning was so strong, but I can’t seem to find a specific scriptural reference.

I’m doing my best to empty myself, giving God the opportunity to speak to me, provide peace, and strength as we move forward. I’m doing my best to pour my heart out whenever I can so He can fill it the way He desires.

We have another surgery on the books for later this month. A couple months of hormone therapy will follow. With out next FET after recovery, the plan is to trade the prednisone for intralipids and add low dose lovenox. I’ll have some more learning to do as I’ve not experienced either of those treatments before.

I’m trusting HIM that HE knows better than I and that HE will guide us through whatever life sends our way. Thinking of you all and sending you our love.

HCG 3 and Asherman’s Syndrome

We continued meds for another couple days and had one final blood draw this morning. It revealed the HCG at 3. We drank a beer and I ate some chocolate. I’ve two beautiful men right here in my arms. I spent Monday mourning the loss and have done my best to celebrate and spoil my two right here.

This journey through IVF with multiple diagnoses and Asherman’s to top it all off, has been an impressive one. We have come so far, especially considering that Asherman’s diagnosis was less than a year ago and had completely incapacitated my uterus with scar tissue. We made it all the way to transfer and even had a positive pregnancy test. I am grateful to have found all the professionals and prayers that brought us this far.

We are not done yet.

I received a message loud and clear Tuesday morning when baby J threw a complete tantrum with flailing arms, crying, screaming, wailing, and kicking. He had a bowl of blueberries right in front of him, but he desperately wanted the bowl of blueberries in the fridge. He wouldn’t look at those in front of him, wouldn’t enjoy them, wouldn’t even acknowledge them because he was fixated on the ones he didn’t have in his bowl.

Loud and clear, I was reminded to take time to love appreciate who I have right here, rather than fixating on who I don’t have right here, right now. I do believe I will meet all my babies one day when there is no more illness, death, sorrow, or pain. When we are all young and healthy for eternity.

 

HCG from 36 to 19.

Chemical pregnancy. This means, embryo #2 did not implant, but tried really hard.

A beautiful friend sent me this just this morning. Her timing couldn’t have been better.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12